My PhD involved asking teenagers what made them feel that their life had value. They gave a range of answers that were quite predictable, but there was one I wasn’t expecting, ‘boundaries’. They told me that when people set rules and followed up on those rules with consequences, they felt worthwhile. This appears quite paradoxical – boundaries are often seen as being ‘mean’, so how does being mean increase value?

The teenagers answered this easily. They said things like “If I didn’t matter why would they bother?” The principle here is that people protect the things that are valuable. When you put a boundary around your child (time to go to bed, how they can speak, where they can go), you are doing it because you care about them and they matter.

Below, I have outlined a few reasons why people have trouble with boundaries and some possible solutions.

1. You don’t know how: This is normal. No parent was instantly gifted with parenting skills when the baby was born. You need to get some training. There are plenty of good parenting courses online that can give you helpful strategies (see Triple P website for free courses Happier, healthier, less stressed kids & families | Triple P (triplep-parenting.net.au).

2. You don’t have a plan: If you see behaviour you don’t like and you don’t have a plan, you can end up responding harshly or not responding at all. I remember telling a student I was going to keep them in at lunch for three weeks. I had to tell them I had changed my mind because that was excessive and a terrible consequence – but I learned I should have a plan. If they do X, I will do Y.

3. You feel mean when you set boundaries: You are actually mean if you don’t set boundaries for your children. My participants said they disliked and resented their parents when they let them do whatever they wanted. This ‘freedom’ made them feel unsafe and unloved. One participant said she knew her parents didn’t care about her because they didn’t stop her from harmful behaviour. Boundaries, when done with kindness, actually represent love.

4. My child gets mad at me: Although this is a really uncomfortable experience, it is important to manage your emotions and not take their reaction to heart. Yes, it would be nice if they were being kind, but you are doing this to help them grow and you don’t need to be liked at all times.

5. It feels easier to just ignore it: It is easier…today…but in a year or five years’ time, the things you have allowed to make life easy will become much larger and completely unmanageable. You don’t have to correct every tiny behaviour, but you do have to correct the ones that are destructive, disrespectful, and impact others negatively.

If you have let boundaries slide, it may be worth having a family meeting to let your child/ren know you are starting again. Get their input too – What are the values for this family? What are the rules for this family? What are fair and reasonable consequences? Remember that boundaries mean you care – you are willing to be disliked and ‘mean’ in order to get the best outcome for your child. That is good parenting.

Dr Mandie Shean
College Psychologist