One of the important elements in effective relationships is ‘support’. The Cambridge dictionary defines support as “to agree with and give encouragement to someone or something because you want him, her, or it to succeed.”  While support is a pretty common idea, it isn’t well understood. In this article I will outline a few key principles that will help you support the people you love well.

1. Doing and Feeling: People need both instrumental and emotional support. Instrumental support is doing something to support someone. This could mean making a meal, driving them around, or sewing on a button. Emotional support means you are providing care, concern, and empathy for someone. This could include listening to their problems, saying encouraging words, or showing interest. Try to use both forms of support with people you love. 
2. Be real: In an attempt to be kind, it can be easy to fall into the trap of supporting someone by saying something untrue. You might say to your friend “Your art was the best in the competition, you should have won!” when you don’t really believe that. Stay authentic so that you are trustworthy. Clearly you aren’t going to tell them what you really think, but you could just try “hey I am really sorry you didn’t get the outcome you wanted. I still believe in you.” (emotional support)
3. Ask them: In the past, in an effort to support my Mum, I would go and vacuum her house or clean up the garden. While I felt I was being supportive, if you asked her she might have suggested support looked like a chat over coffee. To ensure you are giving people the support they need just ask them. Say, “I care about you a lot and want to support you well. What can I do/say to help you feel supported?”
4. Always: I always support people, I don’t just do it when they are being nice and then stop when they are misbehaving. Sometimes my students would be rude to me and then put their hand up for help. My inner child didn’t want to help them, but then I remind myself that I am an adult and I support them regardless. This doesn’t mean I accept their poor behaviour, but it does mean that my support is unconditional. They can’t earn it and they can’t lose it.
5. Accept no response: Sometimes I support someone and they don’t seem that grateful. That is okay. I don’t do it for accolades or mentions on Instagram, I do it because it is the right thing to do.

Special thanks to the LJBC staff and community for being so supportive.

Dr Mandie Shean
College Psychologist