In my research, unconditional love emerged as one of the keys to resilience. The participants said that when someone gave them unconditional love, they felt valued and had confidence to face life’s challenges. Unconditional love is love without conditions. A condition is a requirement that needs to be met. For example, if I said, "I love you when you are a good boy", being a good boy is now a condition that has to be met to receive my love. With unconditional love, you love them regardless of their behaviour or performance. Love doesn’t change.

• Why is this unconditional love so powerful? It provides your children, friends and family with stability and confidence. They can make mistakes but don’t have to fear that these mistakes will cost them your love. You can’t lose this type of love and you can’t earn it.
• Won’t it look like I am approving of their poor behaviour? Not at all. You should still correct inappropriate behaviour, but you do this without rejecting the person. For example, you could say "You know that I love you and support you, but talking that way is not acceptable in this family." Separate the person from the behaviour. I love WHO you are but not WHAT you did.
• I don’t always feel like it. When my students are poorly behaved and then want my help, I don’t always feel like helping them. But then I remember I am an adult. I have made a choice to support, love, and encourage them regardless of their behaviour. Try to override your feelings and provide these things unconditionally.
• I do love them but they don’t feel loved. People receive love in different ways. Sometimes you can feel you are doing all of the right things to show love but the person still doesn’t feel loved! There is a really simple solution to this. Ask, "What do I do that makes you feel loved?" Then try to do that from time to time. This doesn’t mean it is the only way you show love, it just means that you know this is a super important one to include.
• Conditional love is sneaky. Most people don’t mean to be conditional but it can be communicated accidentally. When I was teaching, I remember praising this boy because he was so smart. I was trying to encourage him but found out he thought he had to be smart for me to like him. Check what you focus on and your first comment when you see them (this can appear like the most important in their eyes).
• Make it clear. I always like to clarify that I am unconditional with the young people I work with. Do you know I will always be on your side and support you? No matter what you do, how you behave, your test scores, or your appearance. You can’t earn my love and support and you can’t lose it. This doesn’t mean I accept their poor behaviour, but it does mean that I accept them without question.

Dr Mandie Shean
College Psychologist