In the 1980s researchers found a link between high self-esteem and positive outcomes (e.g., having more friends, being more competent, and higher achievement). When this relationship was discovered, researchers and educators looked for ways to artificially boost children’s self-esteem and remove anything that might have a negative impact on self-esteem. When I was teaching this included telling children they are special, everyone getting a ribbon in the running race so no one felt bad and teachers not putting crosses next to incorrect work to avoid damaging self-esteem.

What is interesting, is that none of these ideas were correct. In the late 1990s researchers started checking the impact of all these self-esteem strategies and either found that they didn’t work, or that the strategy had a negative impact on self-esteem and achievement (see these links for more information https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/exploding-the-self-esteem-2005-12/ and https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2004-13724-002.html). This all sounds very contradictory – self-esteem is related to good things, but trying to boost it doesn’t make a difference (and can be harmful at times). The truth is, a healthy self-esteem is fantastic. It is how we get it that makes the difference. Let me explain:

1. Self-esteem is a product not the cause. You can’t just give someone self-esteem by telling them they are amazing. Self-esteem is the product of doing something well. For example, if your child studies for a test and gets a good result, they will have higher self-esteem. The more your child engages with life and tries things, the more opportunities they will have to increase their self-esteem.
2. Self-esteem doesn’t need protecting. Because people believed self-esteem was fragile, they also believed it needed protecting. While you want to protect your child from experiencing terrible setbacks and traumatic events, they don’t need to be protected from small disappointments. You can protect them from disappointment (temporarily) so they feel good, but eventually they will have an experience in life where they are wrong or don’t win and will have to deal with those feelings. Let them learn how to do that now. Walking through minor setbacks is a great chance to learn how to hold these and grow stronger.
3. Fake self-esteem is not good. Telling children that their art is the most amazing you have ever seen (when it is not) and that they are the best football player you have ever met (when they are not) actually reduces their self-esteem. While it sounds encouraging, it actually undermines their belief in any encouragement you give. You want your words to hold weight and for your child to trust you – that when you say something you mean it. You can still say nice things, just be honest.
4. Self-worth is the solution. Self-worth is different than self-esteem. When you have self-worth, you feel like your life matters, that you have value. Whereas self-esteem is feeling good ‘about something you did’. With self-worth, you can’t do anything to earn it and you can’t do anything to lose it. With self-esteem, it can be lost each time an event doesn’t go your way. As parents, focus on the value of your child’s life and appreciate that it is normal for events to have both good and less good outcomes. This is a normal, good life.

Dr Mandie Shean
College Psychologist