Each of us holds a bucket that we are ‘given’ at birth. The bucket starts empty, and as we grow and develop, our bucket gets filled by our parents, friends, teachers, and those in our social circle. You also fill the bucket yourself. Some things in our bucket are helpful (social skills, how to self-regulate, kindness), and others are less helpful (stuffing emotions, using avoidance as a coping strategy, intimidation). Here are some bucket principles for your children:

• Bucket awareness - Because life is complex and fast, children often do things automatically without much thought. In the moment, they reach into their bucket and grab the first skill they find. Encourage your child to come off automatic and identify the skills that they are using and potential replacements. For example, if they are only using avoidance when work is hard (not doing homework, misbehaving in class, etc.), talk to them about other skills they can use like breaking tasks down, asking for help, or practising. They need to be aware there are other options.
• Don’t penalise empty buckets - If your child does not have the skills to do something, giving them a negative consequence will not change that. For example, if they are late every morning because they are disorganised, a penalty (no electronics after school) will not add the skill of organisation. Instead, try giving them a morning checklist, sort their bag the night before, or do it with them to train them. Discipline is good, but add skills as you do it.
• Remove the unhelpful - Things can be removed from the bucket at any time. You might see that your child sulks when they don’t get their way. This isn’t a trait of theirs, rather it is a ‘skill’ they have learned that needs to be managed. Explain to your child why this behaviour isn’t helpful in relationships and talk with them about possible alternatives. Remember it takes time to learn something new and to stop using old unhelpful behaviours. Give them some time and encourage them as they try out their new skills.
• Add to the bucket - The bucket we hold (whether we are 5 years old or 80 years old) can be added to at any time. You can add to your child’s by talking them through tricky topics, debriefing moments that didn’t work, or eating dinner at the table to develop social skills. They can add to their own by reading, practising, or engaging in learning programs. Rather than think “they can’t do this”, think “they can’t do this yet.”

The bucket system removes the idea that people are fixed, but rather they are a work in progress. It helps you to see challenges as opportunities for growth and change. It is always possible to add to buckets by learning new things, stop doing things that aren’t working, and then grow into the person you want to be.