Reflecting on friendships, especially in the Lower Secondary years, the term FLUID came to mind describing the state of friendships, particularly female.

In other words, friendships can change a lot at school. They may ebb and flow as everyone makes new friends, explores new friendships, and sometimes grow apart. The growing apart may not be intentional; it’s often a matter of not having classes together or the same co-curricular activities.

We typically become close with the people we see the most, and as teenagers evolve in their passions, personalities and circumstances, their relationships evolve too.

Sometimes friendships drift apart for a reason. Sometimes a falling out triggers sudden mistrust. The overriding point is, friendships change. Friendships get put to the test, and only time will tell what the final shake-out will be.

So, what’s the solution? I don’t have that, but I do have the following thoughts to share with you if you feel insecure or worried about friendship fluctuations.

1. It’s normal for friendships to evolve and change. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It simply means you’re growing up.
2. Everything will be okay. In time your friendships will solidify, and you’ll know more clearly who is good for you and meant to be in your life. Be patient, pray for good friends and pray to be a good friend. Remember that true friends are worth the wait.
3. Rather than focus on “finding” the right friends, concentrate on “being” the right friend.There’s a saying that “Water seeks its own level,” and this means that people are drawn to others who are like them. So when you treat people well, you’ll attract friends who treat you well too. By holding yourself to high standards, becoming the friend you wish to find, and choosing to be an encourager rather than a critic, you set yourself up for positive and long-lasting relationships.
4. Treat your friends well, but keep a loose grip. Give them space to explore new friendships and explore new friendships yourself. The great thing about school is that there are so many people to meet. It’s a prime opportunity to make new friends and get to know different people who bring out different aspects of you. Stay loyal to your old friends and know who you can count on, but keep yourself open to making fun new connections through events etc.
5. Remember that everyone is learning and gradually maturing. Just because you don’t click with someone now doesn’t mean you won’t clickPeople change over time and they may be a great friend down the track.
6. The biggest friendship killers are jealousy, comparison, insecurity, and fear – fear of rejection, fear of being left out and fear of being alone. Acting on these emotions can turn you into someone you’re not. By being aware of your negative emotions (I’m jealous that my friend is so pretty/popular….I’m freaking out that I wasn’t invited to that party) yet learning the self-control to not act on them, you’ll join the rare breed of people who are confident enough in themselves to not make friendship too hard or dramatic.
7. Form your own opinions about people, and don’t believe everything you hear. Just because your friend dislikes someone doesn’t mean you should too. Just because a rumour is flying around doesn’t mean it’s true. Treat everyone like a friend until they give you a good reason not to, and when possible, give people the benefit of the doubt.
8. Know the difference between committed friends and casualCommitted friends are the kind you carry through life. They have your back and will stand in your corner even if they’re your last friends standing. Casual friends are the kind you have for a season in your life, maybe a few seasons. You have fun together and your personalities click, but there isn’t a great deal of loyalty. Committed friends make up a small portion of your social network. Casual friends make up a large part.
9. Be kind, and keep in mind that kindness is more important than popularity. Can kind people be popular? Of course! But making popularity your ultimate goal is a bad idea, because you’ll do anything to impress the “right” people, even compromise your values. The better option is making kindness your goal and treat everyone with equal respect.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV

Helen Del Frate

Dean of Students